I’ve never suffered from depression, but anxiety has crept in and out of my life for years. Sometimes it sneaks up on me when everything seems perfect – other times it is triggered by an event. The other day a friend shared a blog post called “The Erasing” from The Momastery. The post in its entirety doesn’t relate to my personal relationship with anxiety, but portions of it speaks to me on so many different levels… I swear I have spoken these words in my head in my own way.
“When I slide back into anxiety and depression—well, it’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. You know how—when something scary or really hard is about to happen—you feel fluttery and wired and nervous until it’s over? Anxiety is a little bit like that, except “the thing” is never over. The thing is life.”
There are some things in my life that I haven’t been able to shake the last couple of months. I’m very aware of these issues and speak openly about my troubles with those that are closest to me. Talking about it helps. But the moments that I have no one to talk to are the worst. When I am driving in the car and my thoughts go wild or when I have a lull in my busy workday – the anxiety can be crippling. My husband always tells me to pull out my phone and watch Annabelle videos – the ones of her running around the bedroom in a diaper, laughing without a care in the world. Brandon always seems so strong and indestructible, so I trust him and am glad for his support. The videos of Annabelle are short, but important, moments to recognize. They are the little things that one day we will look back and realize they were actually big things. Big things that float me when I feel like I am drowning. A smile can hide a lot about a person… smiling is always easier than explaining why you’re sad.
A powerful moment in “The Erasing” is when the author talks about how she writes notes to her Down Self from her Up Self to read on bad days. What a genius idea… write yourself a note to read when you need a little pick-me-up. SO, my goal for my thirtieth year of life is to write myself some happy messages – a few reminders, here and there, of what I love about life. I don’t want to commit to a journal – I am terrible at keeping a diary. But if I can jot down the good maybe they’ll be what saves me from that anxiety monster on my worst days. We all should be open to try something new once in awhile since sometimes we are the only ones who can save ourselves.