For the record, I never knew that there were only a few days a month that a girl could get pregnant. They don’t tell you that in health class. It just didn’t seem possible that all those teen moms on MTV, and in the world, happened to do the deed on her special days. I actually asked my ob-gyn to explain it to me… My doctor was useless and told me that the only way to have a baby is to have sex – well DUH, but a baby can’t be made any day of the month!
That is just one thing that they don’t tell you in health class. Want to know some more? I am learning so many wonderful things that can happen to a woman when her body is flooded with progesterone and she is growing a tiny human in her belly.
1. When you get pregnant, your breasts will hurt so bad that you swear they are filled with daggers and fire. The slightest touch will make you holler – even your bra will become your worst enemy.
2. When you get pregnant, your back will break out like the face of a 15 year old boy. You cannot pop these pimples – they are just big, red bumps that stare out at the people standing behind you – and laugh all day long behind your back. You will also break out on your chest, neck, and forehead.
3. When you get pregnant, you will SPOT like you are about to have your period. This spotting comes at random times and you will think you are having a miscarriage every time it happens. This is supposedly normal when it is light and a certain color…
4. When you get pregnant, you will have annoying cramps like you are about to have your period. This will also make you think that you are about to lose your baby.
5. When you get pregnant, you will have so much extra saliva in your mouth that you drool in your sleep – or sometimes mid-sentence while talking to the lady at the register in Target.
6. When you get pregnant, you will crave food items you have not eaten in years. You will crave food that you know will make your IBS go crazy. Salami, Mortadella, Provolone, spicy pepper, and mayo sandwiches? Yah – that’s a new one for me.
7. When you get pregnant, your mid-section widens and starts to look like a tree trunk. Remember that cute waist you used to have, say goodbye to that cute waist, because before you even have a baby bump, it will disappear under a layer of chub.
8. When you get pregnant, you need to drink so much water you feel like you’ll explode or you will have leg cramps, dizziness, low blood pressure, nausea, etc. I have even read about moms getting Braxton Hicks contractions from being dehydrated!
9. When you get pregnant, you will have terrible mood swings. Picture this: You’re driving along and a great song comes on the radio. You start singing and you feel your heart swelling and you are just the happiest you’ve ever felt in your whole life. Then, someone cuts you off, and you are fire red angry, and start to plot how you’d shave the woman in the Beemer’s eyebrows off using a straight blade razor. Two seconds later, you’re hysterical over the dead squirrel in the middle of the road. I am on a rollercoaster of emotion that I can’t get off.
10. When you get pregnant, you will despise the word: gas. It happens and it is not pleasant. Being someone with gastritis, the symptoms have intensified, and now even water makes my belly gurgle.
11. When you get pregnant, you will be dizzier than you felt that time you rode the Mind Eraser at the carnival. This is a new symptom for me that I am really struggling with. Me and the little black spots that dance around in front of my eyes are BFF.